Part 1 = A True Story Of A Private Incident

 

 

The first part of this final section on my website tells a story of something private that happened in my bedroom on the morning of the 28th of July 2026. I shall ruin the story now by telling you that I'm fine now, and everything that is mentioned in it, I got through. I had been reluctant to include this on my website, but then I thought it might help anyone that reads this part to understand anyone who has autism themselves and to help them more than they will have done. The story begins below this paragraph.

 

 

On the morning of the 28th of July, I woke up early, and I later ended up feeling so stressed and agitated from without wanting to having faces in my head of previous young audience members from various past stand-up comedy shows that had been filmed for DVD. I had been forced by my own mind to picture them in my head being angry, horrible, abrasive, arrogant, ignorant, antisocial, aggressive, and shouting down such nasty and aggravating abuse at me. This stemmed from me having accidentally come across those young audience members totally by accident that had been filmed on a lot of the stand-up comedy DVDs that I had got as Christmas presents and birthday presents and had been released during the 2010s on top of a lot of the crap that I had to put up with over the course of that decade.

 

 

In case you cannot fully tell, I’m managing to move on from that myself now. However, and I sincerely apologise to anyone who will have been at any recorded stand-up comedy show during the 2010s and a bit before that reads this part of my website, I went downstairs into the kitchen, and I got a sharp pair of scissors from the back of one of the draws, and I went back upstairs into my bedroom, and from the major stress that I was experiencing out of serious self-destructiveness, I stabbed myself in the leg with the sharp pair of scissors which went in deep. I instantly frightened myself from what I did to myself, and it obviously was a real shock for me. My self-imposed shock ended up eradicating my voices from my head as well as causing me to reflexively, and unexpectedly too, wiping from my memory pretty much all the faces of previous young audience members from a lot of the stand-up comedy DVDs that I used to have for myself. They’ll look quite different now obviously.

 

 

I do know for a fact that it would have been more ideal to tell my Mum about the trouble I was going through that morning. Anyway, I took my trousers off and covered up the wound in my leg, and I was in such a state of shock that I ended up blubbing soundlessly on grounds that I felt that if I had been crying, I would wake my Mum up without wanting to. I even played on YouTube several times the Godley & Creme song ‘Cry’. The song has got lines in it such as “You don’t know how to ease my pain”, and “You don’t know how to play the game and you cheat, you lie”, and of course, “You make me wanna cry”. My eyes were even leaking excessively. Thankfully by the time I heard my Mum get up, my leg had stopped bleeding, by which point I had gone back downstairs into the kitchen, and put the scissors back where they were before (in the back of one of the draws in the kitchen).

 

 

Anyway, as well as me having unexpectedly totally and utterly thrashed out my ability to know what any of the young audience members will have looked like that had been filmed for various previous stand-up DVDs that will have been recorded at various points in the last fifteen years or so, I have developed some kind of phobia or something of coming across any references to any old or new stand-up comedy shows regardless of whether it’ll have been deliberate or unintentional because now if I do try to picture in my head any young audience member in my head from any of those shows, which thankfully I am unable to at all now anyway because of the shock in me of what happened, I would be forced to replay in my head doing to myself what I did do to myself.

 

 

I may well even be forced to convert it into an even worse and more serious private incident by being forced to imagine myself doing more damage to myself than I did. To clear things up, I'm really not trying to make excuses with any of this stuff I’m talking about in this part of the section. As I say, all the young audience members that I’ll have accidentally come across being filmed will look more and more different as time goes on, and once again they probably look different enough as it is, especially with the older stand-up comedy DVDs that I had been getting.

 

 

Even for my first few years of watching stand-up comedy on the telly or on DVD or on YouTube and being able to enjoy it while I still could, it was still difficult for me to an extent to relate to some of the real stuff that various stand-up comedians tend to talk about in their own routines. This might be an autism thing, but with things like the popularity of new comedians emerging and new stand-up comedy shows being advertised that would get released for DVD or for online-streaming, whenever somebody points something out to me that I would find interesting, I always have trouble finding it, and especially when I think it might be interesting, I can see something really quite boring straight away.

 

 

At least I don’t think me avoiding all references to all new and future stand-up comedy references shouldn’t be problematic for me as thankfully I never seem to slip up in that area at all. Before this, I feared that if ever I was out somewhere and I came across a reference to a new stand-up comedy show being released, I would get tense and agitated having known about it because I knew that if I owned the show on DVD or online, I would have access to coming across any young audience members being filmed, in which case if I did, my mind would force me to picture them in my head being angry and horrible despite them laughing, and anyone present would wonder why I’ve become tensed up.

 

 

It would have cut me deep inside had that have happened at all. Thankfully, it hadn’t happened at all. Well, now if I come across a reference to a new stand-up comedian being new to the circuit or a new stand-up comedy show being released, I would become moved with a degree of sadness inside me because it would remind me of what I did to myself being life-threatening, and after all these years of being stressed and agitated from having faces of young audience members in my head as well. I would say it’s a shift that’s happened rather suddenly, and that it was ever so unexpected. A few days after what happened, I was moved to tears by knowing that as well as knowing that what happened could have had very tragic results, my death could have happened a lot sooner than I’ll have wanted it to by a long way. I’m not ready to go yet. I’m just not ready. Talking of which, I know how I want my own afterlife to be, but I'm not going to talk about what it is in this section because it would probably take too long.

 

 

Anyway, I was worried about my Mum seeing me in the state that I was in, and she asked me if I was alright, and I couldn’t answer her properly, so I was brave to enter the living room and tell her about what was on my mind that evening. Apparently, I was coming downstairs, and I reflexively stopped half-way at the very point where it really got me in the heart. The main theme behind that which made me have a major bout of eye leakage was I know how much it would ruin my Mum's life if I was to be dead before her, and so that's what made me very tearful on top of knowing that I could have bled to death had I hit an artery in my leg, all because of this problem I'll have had with being forced to picture young audience members in my head which I would say is no longer stressful in itself.

 

 

I shall end the first part of this section by confirming that below is the precise YouTube video I was watching several times in a row of the song 'Cry' by Godley & Creme. This is not, I repeat not me trying to move anyone who reads this bit on my website to tears by the way.