This section that comes in two parts is about my own way of thinking having not been as good as it'll have been cracked up to be. I'm not too sure of the second part is going to remain a part of my website for the rest of its existence.
Part 1
I realise that I pretty much every day have a narrow focus on the things that I want to concentrate on. You know this is just me being philosophical in my own personal way, but my mind wondering off is kind of like the equivalent of a special needs person on a plane with their carer, and they’re visiting the cockpit, and the special needs person would say, “I want to press a button”, to which their carer would say, “No, let’s leave the nice captain to it”. I certainly wouldn’t want to become a pilot myself. To become a pilot, you have to work very hard, and in fact, you need a science degree. At least that’s what I’ve heard personally.
Each time I enjoy going out with my PA (Personal Assistant) whose name I won't mention in case I don't have the right to use it, some time after we get back home, I look forward to the next time I go out with him. I worry about taking things for granted in case it’s the equivalent of me playing the part of a fool. I’m personally not completely sure if there is any such person as nobody’s fool. The Tom Jones song ‘Without Love’ begins with the spoken line, “To live for today and to live for tomorrow is the wisdom of a fool”. It’s got the repeated line in the song, “Without love, I have nothing, nothing at all”. It’s lines like that which have become far too repetitive for my liking personally. There might as well be a line in a song that goes something like, “Without love, all I have is the centre of a doughnut”.
Anyway, at the beginning of Barry White’s version of Just The Way You Are, there is a spoken bit that begins with the line, “I would never take anything for granted. Only a fool would take things for granted”. It’s hearing things like that which stop me from living present moment to present moment, mind you it’s got a lot harder for me to do that, so I’m not really able to live from present moment to present moment anyway. The song 'Just The Way You Are' was originally by Billy Joel, only it didn't have Barry White's spoken words being mentioned in Billy's version. All of the things that I am happy to have in my life, I worry that they will be gone eventually. I want to have the freedom of living from moment to moment freedom like I used to be able to. I know I probably won’t always be able to go out with my current PA, which is why I want to be able to enjoy going out with him while I still can. I know I am right to do so in my own way.
Also, quite often when I choose to think of a certain thing, my brain seems to reject that thought. Also, not that I like going into town anymore apart from when I’m having an appointment at the dentist or at the optician’s, but I remember being in town in around early 2008, and I was having my music on the MP3 player that I was owning at the time and my headphones in, and I can’t remember how I overheard this at the time, but I do remember overhearing a woman saying “We haven’t got much time”, and not that this is a bad thing for me necessarily, but it’s been stuck in my memory ever since, and I’m talking fifteen years ago here. Philosophically speaking, I’m sure the woman forgot about it within fifteen minutes, if not fifteen seconds.
It’s as a result of me overhearing outside things I would be forced to memorise that I cannot be outdoors without having my headphones in while listening to music that I like listening to on my MP3 players. Again, this is just me being philosophical in my own way here, but it’s not the outside noises that are trying to make me memorise insignificant stuff, it’s just my senses that are trying to take in as much as possible without me so much wanting to take it all in. I think the way my brain works, I’d remember anything at all for that matter. I very much hope that there are not too many people in the world who like me have that problem. I think the reason I have that problem myself is not just because of my autism, but because of so many negative noises that will have hurt my ears in the past when I was a child. Examples include overhearing other people sing and overhearing shouting from outside people.
Also, because as a child I wasn’t so much surrounded by calmness, I easily get anxious if ever I feel like I’m in a position where things are not calm. I have problems remembering the times in my life so far when I will have been in calm situations in the past, which is why whenever I’m surrounded by calmness, it’s more of a relief for me than joy. Also, I read on Billy Connolly’s Wikipedia page that at St Peter’s Primary School, Billy decided that he wanted to make people laugh. “I can remember the moment in the school playground. I would have been 7 or 8. And I was sitting in a puddle and people were laughing. I had fallen in it and people found it funny. And it wasn't all that uncomfortable, so I stayed in it longer than I normally would because I really enjoyed the laughing. My life was very unhappy at the time, and laughter wasn’t something I heard all the time, so it was a joy. And I realised quickly that if you can have an audience this way, life was rather pleasant.”
Also, I have no plans to leave Colchester because I have done so for a large majority of my life so far, and this is most unlikely to happen in my personal opinion, but if I was to move to an even nicer place south or here or west of here, I will still have to have my headphones in whenever I am in a noisy environment, in other words, everywhere I would go in the UK it would always the same for me because I am paranoid about going out without someone accompanying me such as my Mum for example, and the fact that there are horrible people everywhere in Britain just like everywhere else in the world, although most people are nice and decent. I want to enjoy my young days while I still can and while the grass is still green, and the fact that I know I am right to do so.
Part 2
Something else which I've had for quite some time now is associating years with numbers from the year 2001 onwards, although I won't have planned to start doing it in the first place. Because new year was still a big thing for me at the time, and it still is to this day to a certain extent thanks to me still associating certain years with certain numbers, it comes directly from being 14 years old in 2001 and knowing about the September the 11th Attacks, aka 9/11 when it happened that year. I would say New York City had its heart ripped out by what had happened at the time. I don't think very many people could quite believe it. I always associate that event with the number 1 because once again it happened in 2001 and both the middle digits of that year were 0, let alone the first digit being 2. On top of that, the main reason why I have been associating certain years with certain numbers by force from my own mind, such as 2001 with the number 1, 2002 with the number 2, 2003 with the number 3 etcetera is because for the next nine years after the year 2000, once again both the middle digits were 0.
I'm not saying me associating certain years with certain numbers is a bad thing for me necessarily, it just happened, and something else that has contributed to me still having it in my life is I have obviously been alive for more of the 21st century than the 20th century. Having a good memory is a gift, but for me it can go to extremes if I'm not very much mistaken, and it's certainly not without its problems if you can't help remembering this that you wish you wouldn't. Also, I have for some time felt forced by my own mind to associate everything that will have happened in each following year after 2000 with each following number, regardless of whether those things will have been good or bad or even neutral. For example, I associate each and every album and single that was released in 2009 with the number 9, and it’s the same with every album and single that will have been released in 2001 and after with the number 1 onwards. I also associate the London Bombings aka 7/7 that happened in 2005 with the number 5 because as well as both middle digits of that year both being 0, it ended in the digit 5. I could be wrong about this, but I don’t think 7/7 in this country was quite as bad as 9/11 in America.
Yet another example is the 2011 England Riots that I associate with the number 11 because they happened in the year 2011, although of course just the first middle digit of that year was 0, let alone the first digit of the year obviously being 2. Who knows what would have happened if it hadn’t have been for 9/11 that happened back in 2001. I don’t so much feel the need to keep being forced by my own mind to associate everything that will have happened in 2001 and after with certain numbers having never had the desire to because of that. I would quite like to step away from it to some extent if I possibly can, in which case it would cause me some freshness I think if I do end up succeeding at that. It won’t have been a very common thing for people to have considering all the different time periods people will have been born at. I think also, it won't have been something for anyone who is still alive and has been for more of the 20th century than the 21st century.
Also, there are people alive today who wouldn’t be old enough to remember the year 2001 vividly enough, unlike me who is old enough to remember 2001 to a certain extent. I don’t so much envy those people seeing as I’m so used to having been born in the year 1987. I know it sounds an ironic reason for me to mention on my website something that I personally wish not to always have. Plus, it probably also wouldn't be something for people to have who tend to get the years mixed up. This part may not even always be a part of my website. I’m also personally glad that the Sound Of... survey first started in 2003 and not in 2001, because had it first started in 2001, it probably would have been a part of my compulsion that I have been trying to let go of for quite some time now. For those who don’t know what the ‘Sound Of…’ survey is, it’s an annual BBC poll of music critics and industry figures to fine the most promising new music talent. It was first conducted by the BBC News Website in 2003, and is now widely covered by the corporation’s online, radio and TV outlets, as well as other media. A 10-strong longlist is published each December, with a ranked shortlist and annual winner announced the following January.
I don’t fully know how I came to know about the poll in the first place, but as well as it having first started in 2003, if it had first started in 2001, I would have probably been forced to associate every artist that would have been nominated for the sound of 2001 longlist with the number 1, and every artist that would have been nominated for the sound of 2002 longlist with the number 2, and every artist that would have been nominated for the sound of 2003 longlist with the number 3 and so on. Once again, 2003 was the first year in which a certain number of acts will have been nominated for that year’s poll. Also, I get mildly anxious each new year because as well as each new year that begins, with certain things that happen each new year, I feel forced to associate those things with each following number. For example, I’m going to feel forced to associate certain things that will have happened this year with the number 24, hence the current year being 2024, talking of which, I associate the 2024 United Kingdom riots with the number 24 hence them having happened this year. I think I'm also going to feel forced to associate certain things that will happen next year with the number 25, hence the next year being 2025.
Also, although the Falklands War happened in 1982, I wouldn’t so much associate that with the number 82 because although the year ended in the number 82, the first two digits of that year were 1 and 9, just like with all the other years of the 20th century, and the fact that the first two digits of every single year of the 21st century will have been 2 and 0. Anything that will have happened before 2001, I wouldn’t so much feel forced to associate with certain numbers. Because certain things will probably happen in big news this year just like in every other year, it’ll probably be a lot easier for me to associate the bigger things that will happen this year with the number 24 more so than the littler things that will happen this year. At least I don’t so much associate the year 2000 with the number zero.